We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My pussy is not your playground.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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