I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
