hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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