Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
