the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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