Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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