Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
