my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
