I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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