There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
