trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
