I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
