I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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