so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
