If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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