Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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