There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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