Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
