Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just cut my nipple shaving
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
