does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
