My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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