I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Fuck appropriateness.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
