My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
