Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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