I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Houston, we have a blender
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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