so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
