I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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