I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
