Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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