I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
