I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
