I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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