if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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