Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
