everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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