I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm both gender and math confused
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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