no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
