his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
