My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
