My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
