i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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