At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
