Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
