So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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