This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Less talking, more tequila
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
