My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's like iHOP with fire
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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