THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
