i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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