Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My balls are so social today.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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