I have demons in me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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