Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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