My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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