I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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