I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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