I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
