If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
