Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
