dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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