community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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