Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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