The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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